


Tears and Roses

by destiphan



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean is dead, Dean's Funeral, Destiel - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I'm so sorry, M/M, Not All About Death, Not What It Looks Like, Past Character Death, Pretty sad, Sabriel - Freeform, very sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2016-03-15
Packaged: 2018-05-26 09:50:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6233974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/destiphan/pseuds/destiphan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>NOT AS SAD AS IT APPEARS, ACTUALLY VERY SWEET.</p><p>After Dean's long battle with heart problems is finally over, Charlie, Kevin, Sam, Gabriel, and Cas say goodbye.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tears and Roses

**Author's Note:**

> This is pretty damn sad, but is worth the read. It's more based on the sweet, loving elements of saying goodbye to someone. Sorry for any errors in spelling or grammar, sometimes my brain doesn't work and I miss a period or a letter in a word. But we've all been there.

It was quiet.

The only noise was the dull beat of aching hearts and shaky breaths. Cas could hear only the human noise. No one moved, even when the sun died behind the mountains behind then, even when the moon cast a white light across there faces. The only bit of light was from the moon and stars, the city lights and cars were far behind them. Now it was only the dark, a few men and women, and 6 feet deep hole.

Sam had said this was the first time he had broke into a cemetery to bury someone, that he could remember. Cas hadn't smiled. He could find it in himself. Not that Sam had expected much, Castiel hadn't smiled in a long while.

The last time he laughed or was happy was as he laid in the hospital along side his love, as Dean made whispery remarks about Dr. Sexy from his hospital bed. He could still feel the dark blonde haired man's warm chest, and unshaven cheeks as he tucked his head under Dean's chin. The way his frail arms seemed to hold him tighter than ever before in the last good moment. He could still remember leaning up to smile into a familiar green eyes, as the life force inside them dissipated. The memories were what woke Castiel up at night. He longed for steady hands, and AC/DC shirts, and coffee breath, and Dean's lips that tasted like peppermint gum and home. He relished the last words that his husband had said and repeated them like a prayer.

_Don't forget, I love you. I love you so much, Cas._

He hadn't shared them with anyone. He had held onto them as the last piece of Dean. He belonged to Dean, the words belonged to him.

"Cas. I think we'd better do this before I won't be able to anymore," Charlie's voice was shaky and all the joy in it had been washed away. The usual Charlie was gone. All the usual was gone. So was Dean.

Castiel took in a breath, unsure of his own ability to speak, "Don't call me that. My name is Castiel." His words were sharp and harsh, and he could feel the red haired girl wince. It hurt his heart. He cried. True to her selfless nature, Charlie wrapped him into a tight hug, and held his chest protectively. He fell to his knees and she came to the ground with him, and let the angel sob into her neck.

They stayed there for a while. Sam began to wail, he let his head tip back and watched his breath make swirls of smoke into the cold air. He tugged at his hair as the waves of tears washed painfully over him like the tides of an ocean. Gabriel rubbed his back, and whispered soothing words to the tall man. Kevin stood in silence, letting the icy wind beat against his jacket; watching his tears drip from his cheeks to the grass beneath his feet.

And it stayed like that. 

For a long while.

In Castiel's mind, time was nonexistent as he sat clutching his hair and Charlie's arm in front of a grave yet to be filled with the body of his dead husband. He could remember the unbearable fear of having to live without Dean, the realization that he, as and angel, was an immortal being that lived without death. So he had his grace removed. Forcefully, painfully, and by hand, by himself. It was worth it. Every ounce of pain in his veins and chest and heart, he would do it a million times again and again. The pain of living without Dean was more sever than anything he had ever felt, it was better to not live at all than live without his green eyes and aftershave.

But he would hold on, for a little while. For Charlie. For Sam. For Gabe. For Kevin.  _For Dean._ He could feel himself dying, he could feel the closeness of his inevitable demise. It let him sleep, on the rare occasion, when he thought about holding Dean again. 

 _Soon,_ he thought.  _Please wait for me Dean. I'm going to go with you, soon. Soon, baby._

Still, the pain ate at him. Every step he took felt weighted and his he never really caught his breath. Bottles of pills, little razor blades on his pocket knife, and a shot gun under his pillow called mercilessly at him. He had cut himself a few times, the only reason he wasn't dead was because the small incisions littering his wrists and arm scared Charlie to the point of tears and made Sam choke on his own spit. It was them. He would stay until he knew they were safe, and then, and only then, would he join Dean. 

Everyday was an uphill battle, barely worth it, but he did it for the ones he loved.

"I'm gonna start, guys," Sam chocked out, gasping for air as he cried. Gabriel wrapped his arm around the saggy haired man's waist and rubbed his back. Cas thanked every god that ever was and ever would be, that they had each other.

"Okay Sam. Don't worry, we have all the time in the world, honey," Charlie soothed from the ground where she supported a dead angel, and dying human.

Sam took a breath. Him and Gabriel made there way to the grave, hoisted up the cedar coffin and began to set it in.

"Wait," Castiel yelled suddenly, "Let me see him. Please. I need to say goodbye."

Sam nodded and layed the coffin on the ground next to the hole, where Gabriel and Sam stood inside.

Castiel, using all the energy he had, crawled over to the box. His shaky hands lifted the heavy lid, with a hand from his brother, and he sighed and began to cry again.

Shivering, he brought his fingers thorough Dean's hair, and watched as the hot trails of his tears ran down his face and onto Dean's.

"Hey baby," he cried, "I miss y-you. So, much...oh my god...so much." Castiel whispered to Dean's relaxed face as the spoke though his hand. Kevin walked over to him and gently pulled the sobbing angel away, knowing it was for the best. 

Castiel's heart dropped. His Dean was gone. He was at the funeral. He was gone.

He was gone.

Gone.

Gabriel and his fiancee Sam lifted the coffin into the grave, then gently stepped out. No one said a word. A eerie silence fell over the field.

Then Sam shouted. 

No coherent words, or even words at all. Just angry stammers of noise trying to be words, everyone understood. Words were to hard, there was no word in any language that could quite capture what it felt like. What the death of more than a loved one felt like. How it felt to lose yourself.

Sam scooped up the shovel and began filling the hole, in a fury of pain and sheer determination. The small group watched as Sam screamed, and cried, and filled the grave in record time. Besides the inhuman sounds coming out of Sam's mouth and the sound of stuffy noses, there was no sound. It wasn't silence, it was emptier than that.

After a while, Sam threw the shovel to the ground and screamed, "Why now! Why Dean! Why of all people! He did everything for this fucking hell-hole we call existence! He saved the world! He didn't deserve fucking heart problems! He didn't deserve his last months fighting a battle he couldn't win, in a hospital!" Sam paced aimlessly around the grave and surrounding area. Gabriel ran beside him and grabbed his hand, stopping Sam and forcing him to look at the small blonde man.

"Sam. I love you. You will never be okay. And you can't kill yourself trying to be. Please. For Dean and me, please stop yelling at the world. And let Dean be at peace," Gabriel coaxed. Sam buried his head in the nape of the small man's neck. 

Maybe it was minutes, probably hours. Until they were all able to look at the grave without crying. Kevin spoke in a careful, soft voice. He knelled next the the gravestone and whispered words into the wooden, shabby cross made by Sam, words that no one could make out. When he was on his feet, tears were streaming down his face.

"I told him thank you. And goodbye," Kevin murmured. Charlie patted his back, and tried to smile. 

When she made it to the front of the graze, strands of her red hair were plastered to her face with tears, mascara ran down her face in black streaks. She had been crying so much, that her eyes were bright red and puffy.

"Hey Dean. It's Charlie, but you probably knew that," Charlie stammered through tears, "I love you. Well, not like that, but you understand. God, Dean. It's hard-" Charlie gasped and began to sob, Sam pressed her into his chest and she continued her last goodbye in breathless statements, in his arms. Sam's eyes were ablaze with an older brother death glare, a look that dared anyone to hurt her. A look that was exclusively for her.

"I can't say goodbye. I can't. But I k-know that your up in that big place in the sky, 'cause Castiel told me, so I'll see you soon. I'm so excited to h-hug you again. I love you Dean. Thank you, thank you, thank you for giving me security, and a home. And a life. I love you so much, Dean. So much"

Gabriel stepped over to the grave and sighed in frustration at the realness of burying a man who had done so much good, and got so much bad. He place a red lollipop on the soil and began to speak while tears dripped off his chin.

"Hey yah, Dean-o. Hope you having at least a little fun up in the clouds, waiting for us. I still got my angel juice for a bit so, I'll bother you pretty much everyday. I love you like an older brother, and I  _really_ adore your dorky brother so I'll watch him. I'll miss yah Dean, but I'll visit so much you'll wish you were dead, or I guess  **extra** dead. Love you, Deanboy." Gabriel grimaced.

The blonde haired man grabbed Sam's hand gently and pulled him away from Charlie, who quickly moved over to be hugged tightly by Kevin.

"You can do this, Sam-o." Gabriel reassured him, and made sure not to call him Sammy. That nickname was one that would surly make the hazel-green eyes man cry, even more so.

Sam took in a deep breath and spoke slowly. "You raised me, and....I'm so happy you stuck around with me. I- wish," Sam stopped and wiped the tears off his face, took a moment an then began again, "I wish I wouldn't have ran away from you. "Cause I want more time with you. I love you so much, Dean. I know I n-never told you but, I loved when you called me Sammy. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for every time is stormed out. God, I need you Dean. I miss you, the word miss doesn't even cover it. We fucking deserve VIP seating in heaven so I'll see you soon. I love you, man. You were the best brother I could have asked for." Sam, again, sobbed into Gabriel's neck.

Castiel couldn't walk. His legs were heavy along with his heart and the world seemed to be against him in every way possible. He sat near the grave, in a patch of dead grass and began to speak.

"I don't want you to be gone, because I in a large sense am gone too. I've worn your green jacket for the past weeks since you last could wear it, it smells like tears and roses. I know you hated the laundry detergent we bought, but the roses smell like home now to me. I am thankful for the bottle of aftershave I found in the cupboard. It makes it easier to pretend you are beside me when I go to sleep. If I sleep at all. I also found a container of your hair gel, I can see the streaks in the gel where you scooped some out with your fingers. I hold it and stare at the fingerprints, on the hard days. Unlike the aftershave, the gel makes sleeping harder," Cas spoke in a quiet but strong voice.

"I remember when the doctor first told us you had months left. I wondered how on Earth it could be, just yesterday we rode bikes to our favorite coffee shop in the cold morning air, and made leaf piles for jumping in our front yard. I know now you were in constant pain, I think you knew. That you were already gone, before I or the doctor did. You stayed for me. You lasted another month more than what they had anticipated, just because you wanted to watch the finale of Doctor Sexy with me. They told me, after you passed, that the last month you held on by a thread, and that every breath, every heart beat, was an impossible task. But you're my Dean. You made it. Thank you for teaching me forgiveness and selflessness and thank you for loving me and letting me love you for 18 years. I would trade all my years without you for one hour with you. I love you, Dean. I really, really love you. And I'm telling you now that I will be with you soon, because you are my forever. Holding on is hard. I'm almost out of life force, I'm almost out of time. I know you'll wait for me, because you are the best person I've ever met. I love you, baby. With every ounce of my being I love you so much. I miss you. I can't live without you, I love you. Rest in peace, love. You deserve to be here, with me. It makes me mad, the way life seemed to have it out for you. But I'll be there to kiss you and hug you as soon as I can. I'll see you soon, Dean Winchester. I love you."

Sam wrapped Cas into a tight embrace. Castiel listened to the beat of his heart, and pretended it was Dean's.

For a moment, he was in Dean's arms. He smelt tear drops and roses, and felt stubble and soft shirts.

Castiel smiled, for the first time in a long time, and sent up a silent prayer to Dean. One that only he could understand.

_Don't forget, I love you. I love you so much, Dean._

**Author's Note:**

> If you cried, I apologize. If you didn't, bravo. I was sobbing while writing. But it was pretty sweet, right? Follow my page, comment and all that great stuff. Thank you, thank you, thank you, so much for taking the time to read. It means a lot.  
> I have a few other fics you should check out, mostly Destiel w/ the addition of Sabriel. Some hardcore fluffy Phan stuff is going up pretty soon.


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